Well, hello there! Wow! Welcome, everybody, to Planet Cool Sid’s Guide to Living! On today’s show, we’re going to talk about KONGS!
KING KONG (HAHAHA – I’M HILARIOUS!!)
We all love our Kongs, right?! I know I do! But, have you ever gotten a Kong toy stuffed with peanut butter and carrot bits and you spend, like, twenty minutes enjoying its yummyness but then its EMPTY and as much as you bark at it, no more yums appear inside it, so you just give up and sulk in the corner with some second-rate squeaker toy that isn’t even edible and whose lack of flavor makes you curse the universe that we live in?? Yeah, me too, my friends. Me too.
Stupid Empty Kong
Well, guess what?
That Kong that you love? It’s actually EVIL. Sometimes, even though your Kong looks empty, it’s actually still filled with microscopic morsels of peanut buttery goodness that it’s decided to keep for its own selfish gain. Here’s how to make sure you get every last bit of tasty goop from your Kong nemeses.
Step 1: Study your Kong from afar. Get to know its shape, its color, how it spends its alone time, where it hides its secrets.
Look into its soul.
Step 2: Use the information you’ve learned in Step 1 to weasel your way into your Kong’s circle of trust. Remember the old adage, keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Well, I’m not totally sure that applies to this situation, but it’s the only adage I know so let’s pretend it does.
You can trust me, Kong. I’m on your side.
Step 3: The Interrogation. You can probably reveal your true identity and motives at this point, as well. That’s what they do in the Batman movies, anyway.
Where are you hiding the last of the peanut butter, Kong?
WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THE PEANUT BUTTER!!
Step 4: If your Kong is anything like my Kong, it probably won’t talk. Just stick the whole Kong in your mouth for a while until it frees those last bits of peanut butter from its dungeon of evil.
Nom-slurp-nom Thtep Four can take hourth, but it’th worth every thecond!
That’th it for thith week’th Planet Cool Thid’th Guide to Living Nom-nom. I’m your hotht, Thidartha Lamont. From all of uth here at Pug Thlope, thankth for watching, and remember, nom-nom-nom, there’th no thuch thing ath an empty Kong! Vive le Pug!